Unpacking Unconditional Love, Part 1: The Craving for Unconditional Love in Adult Relationships

The Craving for Unconditional Relationships

We all want to be loved without conditions. It's a nearly universal yearning to be seen, known, and loved, no matter what. This is the stuff of fairy tales and feel-good movies, romantic comedies and sweeping dramas.

But in real life, especially in adult romantic partnerships, unconditional love becomes more complicated.

At Ready Set Relationship, we often hear couples express a deep desire for this type of love. They don't always use the phrase "unconditional love," but it's in their questions: "Why can't you love me for who I am?" "Why do I feel like I have to earn your affection?" "Why can't we go back to how it was in the beginning?"

The root of these questions? A longing to feel safe, accepted, and loved… without having to be perfect.

But is that kind of love, unconditional and unwavering, realistic in an adult partnership? Or is it more of a wish we carry from childhood?

Where the Craving Begins: Childhood and Conditional Love

For many, the desire for unconditional love starts in childhood. As infants, we rely on caregivers to consistently meet our needs. When that happens, we begin to internalize a sense of security: "I'm worthy. I'm loved." But when love feels conditional, based on behavior, performance, or people-pleasing, children can grow up into adults who fear love will be withdrawn if they don't meet expectations.

Even in well-meaning families, subtle dynamics can shape our view of love. Was affection withheld when you misbehaved? Were you praised only when you excelled? Did conflict mean someone shut down emotionally? These patterns can leave lasting impressions and influence how we show up in relationships.

As adults, many of us try to heal those wounds in romantic partnerships, sometimes without even realizing it. We hope our partner will offer what we didn't consistently get as children: a love that doesn't retreat when we mess up, feel low, or make mistakes.

Unconditional Love vs. Adult Partnership

Here's where things get tricky. The kind of unconditional love we imagine — limitless, expectation-free, always-there-no-matter-what — is often more suited to the parent-child dynamic. Parents may love their children unconditionally, and still need to set limits and structure. That love is rooted in a deep, often nonreciprocal bond in which the child's well-being is paramount.

But romantic relationships are different. They're built on reciprocity, mutual choice, and shared effort. Love here is not just about being, it's also about doing. It involves emotional availability, communication, care, and respect.

Which means yes, there are conditions. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.

The Pitfalls of Expecting Unconditional Love From a Partner

When one or both people in a relationship believe their partner "should" love them unconditionally, it can set the stage for disappointment. Without realizing it, we might expect our partner to:

Forgive instantly, no matter what
Never need space or boundaries
Accept behavior that is hurtful or disrespectful
Be endlessly understanding, even when change is needed

This expectation can create an unfair dynamic. One person may feel pressure to tolerate more than is healthy, while the other feels entitled to love without accountability.

That doesn't mean love has to be cold or transactional. But it does mean that mature love requires effort. It's not just about how we feel, it's also about how we act.

A Better Goal: Intentional Love

At Ready Set Relationship, we help couples move beyond the fantasy of unconditional love and toward the reality and richness of intentional love.

Intentional love says, "I see you. I choose you. And I choose to love you in ways that are meaningful and sustainable, for both of us."

It means being present with each other through the messy and the mundane. It means making space for growth, holding each other accountable with kindness, and recognizing that love doesn't live in a vacuum. It thrives in action, repair, and resilience.

Intentional love allows for boundaries, for honesty, and personal responsibility. It doesn't ask for perfection; it asks for participation.

Where Does Love Go From Here?

In our workshops, we often begin by helping individuals and couples explore the sources of their ideas about love. We ask:

What did love look like in your childhood?
Were there spoken or unspoken rules about love and approval?
How have those shaped your expectations in relationships today?

These reflections lay the groundwork for deeper conversations about compatibility, commitment, and communication.

If this resonates with you, we invite you to join our next Early Marriage Workshop Series, where we explore everything from family-of-origin dynamics to rituals of connection and the art of navigating conflict with care. Learn more here or reach out to us to find the right fit for you.